Zeroth Directive

Archive II

[Interview from the documentary Bluebeard and the Great Toothpaste Prohibition] When we talked about 'toothpaste tubes', we were talking about vehicle coolant pipes. When the Great Toothpaste Prohibition was first enacted, we filled the tubes with toothpaste and smuggled it from Kazimierz into Columbia. No one would find out unless you took the vehicle apart. You could only fool the ATAO for so long, though. Within six months, every checkpoint on the Columbian border had trained casters posted, and all it took was a wave of their wand to expose the goods. It was around that time that the name 'Bluebeard' started making its rounds. He was a mysterious figure who never showed his face, but it didn't matter. No one ever saw Mr. Max during the Revolutionary War, either. What mattered was that Bluebeard could help us avoid the checks. From anti-Arts coating to invisible tubes... he always had a way. Everybody knew the toothpaste hero who defied the authorities. They were singing songs about him: 'You can have my smokes and you can have my booze, but you can't have Bluebeard's toothpaste tube.' And you'd hear people boasting about brushing teeth with Bluebeard every night. What happened next? Heh, he sold us out and went into the ATAO. Some said he got bought out, other said he was coerced, but all we know is that we never heard from our toothpaste hero Bluebeard again. —A truck driver who worked as a smuggler during the Great Toothpaste Prohibition Gordon unabashedly describes his job at the ATAO as 'racing natives, refugees, and smugglers at the border checkpoints.' Border checkpoints are high-speed mobile platforms owned by the ATAO. They are little more than the size of a truck, but their speed is real, and smugglers call them 'toilets running with sirens blaring'. Gordon's primary responsibility at the ATAO was overseeing one such checkpoint, by himself all year round, chasing natives, refugees, and smugglers that crossed the border, and either negotiating with or fighting them until he retrieved the Originium hallucinogens from their false teeth, or the live Originium slugs from their tails. His biggest achievement over the years was confiscating a crown with a hundred thirty-two foldartals pasted on it, owned by a Sami snowpriest. Three years passed before Gordon returned from the border checkpoints to the nomadic cities. At Tkaronto port, he was stopped by an excited young reporter who wanted to know if he was the outlaw hero Bluebeard. As Gordon got away from the reporter, he said: 'Sure, people were putting 'Originium' on everything they could think of, and you could say that the president guided Originium fever in the direction he wanted. But why did it have to be toothpaste? 'Took me three years to figure it out. Someone had the bright idea to corner the dental hygiene market with Originium floss, so he called on every favor he could to get this crazy prohibition through Congress. Buying and selling toothpaste was banned the next day. 'That's how the rules of ATAO came about. The rules that some people bleed to protect, and others bleed to defy. How does fighting them make you any kind of hero?'

Archive III

I thought it was a thief when someone knocked on the door late at night, but it was a strangely dressed Savra who called himself Gordon Tannen. I remembered that my father had kept cursing that name the last time he came home, as though he were his actual son. Gordon seemed very interested in everything in my house. The warped floorboards, the leaky roof, mom's red and swollen eyes, and my Gaulish accent that I could never fix. That, and my name: Gustave Baune. When Dad left, it was like he took Mom's soul with him. She missed him so much she changed my name to be the same as his, but I could never become him. He was the head of the ATAO, while I was a loser who was good for nothing but cleaning people's cars. When she begged him to give me a job at the ATAO, he slapped her. Dad left because we weren't good enough for him. That, I accepted, but I didn't need pity from someone who WAS good enough for him... This Gordon, looking down at us from on high. Thankfully, he didn't say much. Indeed, he didn't say anything at all for ten minutes, as we sat around a table silently, to the sound of Mom crying. He finally opened his mouth right when I was about to see him out. 'You won't be seeing your dad again. Treason. Life sentence.' I already knew. The courts had sent a letter. 'You're allowed to change your name under Columbian law. Come find me if you want to change it back, or to something else.' What he gave me was not a business card, but a bottle opener with a propeller on it, and the words 'Propeller Paradise' displayed prominently. —Marlin Baune (formerly Gustave Baune), son of Gustave, former head of ATAO, in an interview with Maylander 'Gordon Tannen. You deny any private dealings with the traitor Gustave, but you have met with his son, Marlin Baune, multiple times following his incarceration, even inviting him to a tour of Propeller Paradise, where you were sighted drinking and partying with him. What is your explanation?' 'I was Gustave's former subordinate, and he was Gustave's son, so me visiting him means that I had dealings with Gustave—is that what you're implying?' 'Maylander cannot eliminate the possibility.' 'Wow, it's that easy working at Maylander? Okay, I'm reporting that pineapple pizza is evidence of a conspiracy between Siesta and Siracusa. When do I get my paycheck from you guys?' '......' 'Listen, man. That kid Marlin cleaned cars for people in that border town for a decade. He's even smoother dealing with foreigners than I am. The only reason he's still cleaning cars is because old Gustave saw him as a disgrace. And what's worse, made the kid believe it himself. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do with him. I'm gonna open a bottle of champagne with him, and then I'm gonna get him a job at ATAO working at the city checkpoint, where he's gonna shine like he's never shined before. That's how ATAO's gonna be from now on. No freaking glory and no freaking shame. You got the chops, you got the job.' —Interview with Gordon Tannen by Maylander investigators

Archive IV

Welcome to the Sky Conqueror solo exhibition. I am your guide, Space Fin 054. The tour is about to begin. Please turn off your mobile terminals. The first exhibit is a video disc set of the classic 70s drama, Sandwalker. Sandwalker, which depicts the exploits of a free-spirited Kuranta warrior, instilled a certain idea of freedom in an entire generation. Students often skipped class to play 'Sandwalker' on school grounds. Young Gordon did not join the other children's games after watching Sandwalker. But one afternoon, several trucks from a nearby construction site drove onto the school grounds, and turned it into a sea of sand in front of the stunned security guards. Nobody knows how Gordon fooled the foreman and security, but everyone remembers how he put on a cardboard helmet and raised his arm triumphantly before charging into the sea of sand. The schoolchildren had two hours of unprecedented fun before Gordon was dragged into the principal's office. Gordon said, 'If you're already skipping class, why settle for standing on the playground spouting lines from the show?' ...... Exhibit 13 is a game disc released in 1082 by Blue Box Co., Columbia. Gordon's approach to gaming is unusual. While this game is not considered particularly difficult, he played through each stage multiple times until he reached the inventory limit for all equipment and items, before challenging the final boss. The plan was to use this wealth of items to overcome the boss with ease. However, game discs at the time had a short lifespan, and it broke down when Gordon reached the final stage, so he never managed to beat the game. Gordon said, 'What's the point of reaching the boss if I don't crush him the first time?' ...... Finally, we have here a shrub from Sargon. Originally a tiny bud picked from a wooden stick, it has now entered its fifth generation under the nurturing of Gordon's 'Growth-Encouraging Loudspeaker' and 'Nutrition Lightbulb'. Today, every street tree in Propeller Paradise is a descendant of the original bud. Another 100 saplings have been sent to Rhine Lab, in the hopes that this tree that survived the harsh environment of the foehn hotlands can become the first plant to grow outside the Starpod. The item previously belonged to an explorer Gordon described as 'a hateful free spirit'. He apparently declined an invitation from the explorer to travel together, not because he was uninterested in going where no one had gone before, but because he saw no point in unburdened exploration. Gordon said, 'That budding stick would be nothing but a stylish walking stick in your hands. Give it to me, and I'll show you a moving forest the next time you see it.' ...... 'Excellent, Five-Four. Absolutely perfect. You finally understand my needs.' 'When will this exhibition be held, Sky Conqueror?' 'There's no rush. When I pry all of Columbia off the face of Terra and conquer the skies with everyone with super propellers.... that'll be the day. For now, your mission is to recite those descriptions to me every night before bedtime.'

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